Will I never learn? I listened to the radio on the way to work again.
The name Jeremy Hunt will be familiar to anybody versed in rhyming slang; he is the current Secretary of State for health. According to The Independent, “Hunt had no political knowledge or experience of the health service before being appointed,” making him the ideal candidate for the job. They’ll probably have him in air traffic control next.
Any road up, apparently there are 1000 avoidable deaths in UK hospitals every month, so the Rt Hon member has decided to start a league table for hospitals, rating them according to the number of avoidable deaths.
What is not made clear is whether a high ranking depends on achieving the least or greatest number of deaths, but assuming the latter, here is my ten point plan to help hospitals to get those figures up.
1. Instigate a no hand-washing policy.
2. Increase waiting times in A&E to a minimum of 8 hours
3. Stuff all the pillows and mattresses with asbestos to prevent fire
4. Bring staffing levels in line with school classrooms ie. one nurse for every 30 patients, and make sure that all staff take their breaks at the same time.
5. Continuously erode staff morale so they quit, go off sick, or just stop trying – I have to say that Tony Blair’s government made huge advances in this area; well done Tony (you Jeremy)
6. Turn off all the lights at night and raise the beds to at least 5 feet from floor level
7. Divert billions of pounds into an IT system that doesn’t work and has to be abandoned, thereby leaving less resources to allocate to equipment, staff, medication and all that other useless clutter.
8. Ensure that hospitals concentrate on hitting targets rather than seeing patients
9 Encourage the use of private providers, so that any savings go into the pockets of rich twats rather than being frittered away on improving healthcare.
and the pièce de résistance….
10 Lock all the doors and release half a dozen tigers onto the wards.
That should free up a few beds.
You’re welcome, Jeremy.