Apologies to KL of The Ninth Life I did try to accommodate your request for The Cruiser vs. Johnny Depp, but they’re just too dull, so instead, our panel of critic and analyst is proud to present….
Rice or Chips – 80’s Action Hero Special Edition.
If you sit down to watch Sly or Arnie expecting an Oscar-winning performance, you’ve accidentally picked up the wrong DVD. 80’s action movies are not about emotional resonance or empathetic lead characters; they are about spectacle. They are about car crashes, gunfights, fist fights, killers from the future and huge explosions; and standing in the midst of all this chaos, the axis about which this action revolves is the hero. Shirtless, bulging with machismo and testosterone, clutching an enormous gun and spitting out corny one-liners like an adrenaline-powered myrmidon, the hero runs, shouts, mumbles, flexes and massacres their way across the screen and back for eighty minutes, before riding off into the sunset with the girl/money/glory/orang-utan.
And the two behemoths of 80’s action cinema are without doubt these two, but today, each one of them must face their greatest adversary; one another.
Round One – Career Highlights
Oooooooh! Very close, but Arnie takes this round with his Terminator one-two combo.
Round Two – Physique
Sly’s looking good, but Holy Hell; Arnie is a colossus!
With seven Mr Olympia, and three Mr Universe titles under his belt, this round was always going to be Arnie’s.
Round Three – Artisitic Creativity
Arnie has 2 directorial credits to his name, made for TV movie, Christmas in Connecticut, and one episode of the, Tales From The Crypt TV series.
Sly’s writing credits include, Rocky 1-6, Rambo’s 1-4, The Expendables 1-3, Cobra & Cliffhanger and he directed Paradise Alley, Rocky 2-4, Rocky Balboa, Rambo and The Expendables.
Round three to Stallone.
Round Four – Claymation Combat round.
Two points apiece!
Round Five – Vorsprung Durch Witzige Bemerkungen (as the Germans say).
Top that Stallone!
A good effort, but no-one delivers a line like Arnie.
Arnie leads by a point.
Round Six – Karaoke dance-off challenge.
Arnie’s got the muscles and the one-liners, but who’s got the moves and the toons.
Let’s find out.
First up, Stallone.
Does the Austrian Oak have the X-factor?
Stallone’s round. Three rounds each which means………..
Tiebreaker – Career Lowlights.
In their early careers, many actors have to scrape the barrel, and can be forgiven for their poor choices. Here however, I have only chosen movies made after each actor had already hit the big-time.
There can be no excuses for these……